Getting a life

(moved from the old diary-type thing)

The list meeting was in January 1997 and it was held at a list-member's home. My parents were conveniently away, so I didn't have to explain anything.

It turned out to be a very nice little party, although I was petrified at first – after all, I didn't really know anyone there. A got me to relax, though, as did the whole atmosphere of the party. I had a great time, but when the people left and went to one of the clubs, I didn't follow.

After the party, I and A met several times; we were fast becoming friends and I had nothing against it. Sure, she was a lot younger than I, but that didn't really matter – she knew so much more about certain things that I looked up to her.

We had a good time together, but my parents weren't too pleased when they heard she was gay. I defended her fiercely, trying to make them see beyond her sexuality... and trying to make them understand she was my friend.

October 19th, 1997 was another turning point. That's when I got my first taste of IRC... and needless to say, I was hooked. Two days later, I'd downloaded Pirch32 and learned to use it. Didn't take me long to make some chatting buddies at a women-only channel – and to learn a lot more about all things bi :-)

But again I let my heart lead me... and all rationality flew out the window. I fell for someone on-line; now how stupid can you get? We lived on the opposite sides of the earth, and although I kept telling myself it would never work, I went right ahead. It lasted all of six months... We were planning to meet, so we could make sure "this was it", and I was even prepared (if the meeting had gone OK) to move away. I was dead serious. She wasn't.

One summer day I got an e-mail in which she said she couldn't handle a long-distance relationship. A week later I found out she had a "real life" girlfriend, closer to home. The weird thing about this is that the weekend the "Dear John" mail arrived I was away... but something happened.

'...I felt even worse than usually on the first or second day, so after tossing and turning for quite some time I got out of bed, carefully so as not to wake up A, and went out. Sat down on the stoop and looked out to the sea. The night was beautiful, it was light out and fairly warm. A's dog was sleeping in the big cottage, but she came out too, after I'd been sitting there for maybe half an hour. I suppose she just checked up on me – she didn't stay by the stoop. I wrapped my arms around my knees and wondered what was wrong with me. I just felt so miserable. I missed S and the rest of my chatting buddies, and wished someone was there with me – even A.

'I got up to get back in, but had to sit down again – found I was temporarily blinded. Did my Niagara Falls impression on the stoop, as quietly as possible (good thing I had a couple of paper hankies in my nightshirt pocket), and once it was over, went back inside. I was petrified; there was something I wanted to do but I wasn't sure how A would react. I must have hesitated there for at least 10 minutes before I woke her up.

'She wasn't angry, didn't even seem annoyed... but maybe that's because she was half-asleep when she said, "OK, sure... wait a sec..."

'She took her covers along, climbed out of her bed, and into mine. I apologized for the inconvenience but she pretty much dismissed it and held the covers for me... I climbed in, wrapped my arms around her and laid my head somewhere out of sight, my forehead against her chest (didn't want her to see my eyes). And then I finally slept.'