Awakening

(moved from the old diary-type thing)

Autumn 1993: I'd found I wasn't one of a kind (what a relief!) and before the New Year, I'd developed a crush on a girl (I'll just call her "G") – who I knew was bi. There were other bi girls, but this one was... different. Exciting. Wild. And... beautiful (hey, I'm just an aesthete). That crush developed into something more serious, but I was never more than a friend to her; I didn't want to be more... and more importantly, didn't have the guts to even try to be more.

Winter 1994:

'...I was sitting there quite comfortably when all of a sudden she came to me, hugged my shoulders from behind and began to talk. She was drunk – I figured she was feeling shitty and maybe wanted to ease her mind. I wasn't really paying much attention; I said some comforting words and put my hands over her arms. Then I heard her say, "...and you know, I really do love you."

'I was startled and my thoughts began to race. She kept going about it – how, when, why – and I couldn't say anything appropriate; I was too confused. Hell, sure I liked her, a lot, but I'd never thought about it that way... and now I didn't know whether I should have been glad or told her I didn't love her. In any case, to hurt her feelings was the last thing I wanted to do, so I spent the rest of the night with her – talking, drinking, holding hands, kissing... For the first time she didn't kiss me so hard that my lips bled – and man, she tasted good!

'We got back when the little pub closed and I went to my room after we'd said good night. My roomie was fast asleep, so she didn't hear when K knocked and I let her in. She wanted to sleep with me and asked me to go to her room. I said it was OK, but that I really wanted to sleep (it was almost three in the morning) – nothing else.

'So... we climbed into her bed – her roomie was still awake but we didn't care – and I held her tightly until she fell asleep. She held on to me, lightly caressing my hands and arms. Her feet were ice-cold and my thoughts were still racing frantically.'