Uncertainty

1994: Of course I fell for K. She was cute, sexy, funny... and after that incident, she told me once, sober, that she loved me. What a fool I was! When she saw she'd got me, it started. One day she was all lovey-dovey, the next she completely ignored me. And what's worse: she got herself a new boyfriend and still flirted with me. When she got me all hot and bothered, she pushed me away again.

I didn't want to love her. I wanted things to be back to "normal" and not love anyone. It was just too painful and – well, I've never enjoyed pain. I don't have an on/off switch in me, though, so getting over K took a long, long time. I wanted to be her friend despite everything; that was another mistake.

1995: G and I were still good friends, probably because I wasn't pushy with her... and because I'd never told her about the huge crush I had on her. Somehow I managed to keep that thing under control; I enjoyed the friendship but I don't know what might have happened if I'd done the same mistake with her as I'd done with K.

That winter G and I had sex... and it was, in a word, great (great for me, that is – I don't know how she felt about it). For the next two years I was celibate. Confused, troubled and angry at myself.

Spring 1995:

'She's nicer and more considerate these days – maybe she's growing up at last – but she's still most of all interested in herself.

'We've spent some very pleasant evenings and weekends together – going to the cinema, eating out, drinking, talking... All of a sudden she's really nice to be around! Well, occasionally she flirts with me and that's when I get upset again. I don't like it. She knows what I want from this friendship – and she knows how I fight to suppress these unwanted feelings – and yet she still flirts!

'G has told me that she wants K really bad (as bad as I do, I bet). I've got nothing to say about it – told her I wouldn't mind at all, because I've given up. I might try and set them up together, as long as I won't need to go along.'

I came out to my parents in October 1995 – mom first. She took it quite calmly, but later confessed to having spent a couple of sleepless nights over my revelation. Dad, on the other hand, approached the whole thing in his typical way – took in the news, stayed silent for a bit, and then changed the subject.

At first, they both seemed to ignore the whole thing, but as time passed, especially mom kept talking about how nice it would be if I "met some nice boy". They also didn't like me talking about things related to my sexuality, but then again, dad doesn't like to talk about any sex-related things. Mom's reaction still puzzles me – she thinks it's quite all right to kiss her female friends on the lips when saying goodbye, yet she doesn't want to hear about any of that from me. She even resents my gay and lesbian friends – i.e. the ones she knows are gay or lesbian.